Princes of the Apocalypse

Sob Story!!

But Also Dragons.

First, Anora is no longer gumbyfied! Congratulations on your life, Anora. Welcome back to the Thunder Dome.

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This week, we, TFA, were blessed with peace. Of course it didn’t start that way. Kilkax made sure of that (by being dead). Dude could have gotten laid, but instead he got laid to rest.

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At least, that’s what we thought until closer inspection led Tinuviel to believe that maybe he wasn’t quite so dead. Garienna did some druid hoodoo on this here dehydrated fella and fixed him right up, she did (H2O is something magical, I’ll tell you what). Tinuviel and Ryo (DAS ME) crafted some kind of makeshift stretcher in order to get Kilkax back to Garienna’s camp. Kilkax was very much passed-the-fuck-out along the way, until he wrenched himself out of his weird slumber with a gasp that would make John Barrowman proud. A little disoriented, he fucked off into the woods, pursued by the super speedy (and also extremely sexy) Ryo, who straight up shoved his dragon ass onto the ground and told him to pull his shit together. Which he sort of did.

TFA managed to make it to Camp Garienna in one piece, and were thrilled to discover that Gariennas two mischievous sprite companions (my notes say Aphid and ??? so I guess their names are going to be a mystery sry kids) are alive and well, and assholes.

This is when things get tricky. TFA separate; Garienna (who, of course, is not one of our terrifying renegades) retires to her tent, Ryo hangs out by the fire pit, Kilkax finds a tree to brood beneath, Sandro is enraptured by some very comforting flowers, and Anora and Tinuviel opt to chill on top of and underneath some rather large mushrooms that double as stairs. Once they’re separated, shit gets weird.

Kilkax and Anora hear giggles coming from the fire pit and the flowers. As far as both of them can see, neither Ryo nor Sandro are laughing, so wtf is happening there eh, m8? Kilkax tries to communicate to Tinuviel that he’s hearing weird giggles coming from places where giggles should not be, and the response is as follows:

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Kilkax decides to get closer to Ryo, and it is at this moment Ryo feels something tickle his upper lip and he (G O D F O R B I D) laughs. Kilkax is apparently incredibly offended by this, and straight up assaults Ryo, deciding that this is the moment to out everything from Ryo. The conversation goes a little like this…

SPYRO: AHURDUR TELL EVERYONE THE TRUTH
RYO: GOOD SIR I HAVE BEEN NOTHING BUT KIND TO YOU PLEASE REFRAIN FROM BEING SUCH A BRUTE!
SPYRO: DURRRRRRR IM DUMB TELL THEM EVERYTHING OR I’LL HURT YOU
RYO: ALRIGHT! FINE! IF I MUST! I AM…….NOT! A! RANGER!
EVERYONE: …

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Ryo explained that he is actually a Monk who once trained with the Order of the Broken Blade in a monastery in Cyre, now known as The Mournland. After The Day of Mourning, Ryo was unable to return home and so found himself lost, wandering from town to town, trying to find somewhere or someone who wouldn’t cast him out for knowing that he is a refugee. Eventually just saying that he was a ranger who had come from the woods seemed a lot easier, and that’s what he has been saying ever since. Then, in order to prove that he was telling the truth, he did some real neat tricks with Sandro’s sword and everyone thought he was awesome. It was also revealed at Tinuviels betrothed and Ryo’s childhood friend, Gentle Giant (And Proclaimed MegaBitch) Paeris, is currently MIA as on The Day of Mourning, he did not turn back as Ryo did, and was lost to the fog.

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Then they all ate some food. That was probably the best part of the whole adventure. The food. OR the Critically Awesome tents. Or the really fucked up dream our adventurers, as a unit, were blessed with? There were…dragons. Dragons and…was that…foreshadowing?

Ryo was the first to wake up. He was rather rudely jolted awake by a voice…a voice that sounded awfully like the dark dragon from the collective dream.

NOW, when I said shit got fucked up before, it’s nothing compared to what happened next. Ryo decided to poke around in the brush and the trees, trying to find whatever it was that was glowing. It took him a while, but he eventually came upon what looked like a large, glowing gem, and for whatever reason Ryo felt compelled to touch it.

That shit was a mistake, as he was thrown across Garienna’s camp. Thankfully, a loud noise (or the sound of Ryo’s shattered dreams w/e) woke everyone else up, and they rushed out of their tents to see what the absolute fuck was going on. Turns out that the large ‘gem’ thingy was a Dragon Shard and it was Garienna’s job to protect the shard, and apparently Ryo had just gone done fucked all that right up. (Good thing he’s cute because he sure is useless).

Ryo was very aware of a rather odd pain on his back, and he asked Tinuviel to take a look – it wasn’t anything she recognized but she probably thought Ryo looked really cool with a tat – but there genuinely wasn’t that much time to think about it because before they could properly discuss, Anora was acting really strangely and OH YEAH a TREE FUCKING ATTACKED THEM. SO they had to FUCK THAT TREE UP. Ryo STRAIGHT UP ALMOST DIED. But eventually, because these five are heroes for a reason, because they did everything everyone thought a kid COULDN’T do! They MADE IT to Shell City, and they BEAT the Cyclops, and they RODE the Hasselhoff, and- …I mean. They. Did good.

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Now, you’d think they would be done by now but nah. Remember that giggling from earlier? It wasn’t just a foil to get Kilkax to be an asshole to Ryo, oh no, it was actually Garienna and Elvira who explained that STRANGE and MYSTERIOUS THINGS would SOON BE HAPPENING! JK they were actually pretty lame and they made fun of Ryo. But they did let TFA stay at the camp. Which was nice I guess.

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