Princes of the Apocalypse

YOU THERE, WELL HUNG STABLE BOY.

DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS: NSFW

Last Week, on a very special episode of Who’s Your Daddy…

The Gang, returning to Red Larch after a very somber encounter with some sheep and also dead bodies, are greeted by a familiar face – Harburk Tuthmarillar, the constable, who rather suspiciously asks our heroes exactly what they’ve been up to for the last four days. The Four Assholes inform Harburk that they were simply ‘travelling.’ This leads to a little bit of further questioning, but considering how shitty TFA (The Four Assholes) are at communicating…It’s awkward. Eventually Harburk stops talking to them. Unsurprising.

They run into Jalessa after, and she informs the squad that bodies have been discovered in the passages below Red Larch, along with a young child who is pinning the murders on TFA. Their weapons are confiscated (save for Kilkax’s dagger, because he’s a persuasive little fuck), and they are told that they will be put on trial. In order to be proven innocent, TFA are told that they must find someone to defend them, as well as convince several people to stand on their side in the jury. This proves to be pretty difficult considering how few people TFA have actually bothered talking to in Red Larch – but eventually they get the ball rolling. It’s awesome.

But you know what Isn’t awesome? Kilkax playing some fucked up shit to try and lull our adventurers to sleep. No one has a good time and everyone is angry.

DAY ONE: Sexual Healing

In the morning, TFA decide to check out Allfaiths Shrine. The original intent was to speak with our friend the Half Elf with the name I never remember – but they soon discover that he has moved on to another town, and there are new missionaries in Red Larch. TFA head back to The Swinging Sword, discovering Kaylessa engaged in a rather heated conversation a rather slimy looking gent named Marlandro Gaelkur. Kaylessa agrees to represent TFA, but declines their proposition that she plead their case – Gaelkur, the fish oil salesman, says that he would be more than willing to represent TFA, and they agree that it is something they will have to think about. When TFA leave The Swinging Sword and head to The Helm, Justran (the cellerer) also offers to represent them. TFA will eventually choose Gaelkur over Justran. More on that later.

Now, to the good shit. Our heroes return to The Swinging Sword, this time seeking council with Ghileeda. Kaylessa lets TFA know that she is in the back – and oh boy in what company. Here our adventurers meet Iraun Thelder, the well hung stable boy. Ryo shows LEG, bats eyelashes, flips hair, makes a kissy face, and booty tooches – but to no avail. Kilkax thinks Iraun is pree hot too, so he shows him some skin and winks a lot.

After this rather sexual display, Ghileeda tells TFA that she wants absolutely nothing to do with the trial.

Kilkax probably feels as though his masculinity has been stripped from him at this point, so he decides to spy on Ghileeda disguised as Keanu Reeves (but not like, super hot Keanu Reeves. Like Conspiracy Meme Keanu Reeves). He sort-of-lip-reads the word ‘wave.’ He gets a raging clue. The other three enter the tavern. Ryo and Sandro busy themselves complimenting each other, and Tinuviel alongside Kilkax (now no longer luke warm Keanu) tag team the seduction of Garlen. It’s steamy. Garlen threatens to cut off Kilkax’s balls or something. Tinuviel is not phased. Team Freckles is oblivious. Werk.

DAY TWO: Getting A-HEAD of the Game

The Squad Pod, after a much better sleep than the night before, decide that Gaelkur will be the one to represent them in their trial. He asks them several questions and sends TFA off to FIND THE ANSWERS.

First, they go and talk to that fuckin’ kid who’s trying to accuse them of murder. Turns out he’s been conditioned, so TFA ain’t even mad. TFA does learn that this kids dad and his dads boss are part of a cult, however, and they decide to investigate this further. They mosey on over to Waelvur’s Wagonworks and split up to look for clues. Team Freckles heads into the shop to try and distract Waelvur, while Team Nice Ass Such Sass head into the junk yard to try and find the trap door leading to the tunnels under Red Larch.

Ryo and Sandro (who have perfected the art of Fucking Shit Up) cause some delightful mayhem all up in the shop, giving Tinuviel and Kilkax enough time to make their way across the junk yard and slip into the trap door undetected.

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Fucking Spyro and Tiny Drow make their way back to the main tunnels, and once again find themselves in the stone room (those rocks sure are floating alright). Kilkax does some badass earth bending shit, and it is confirmed that these Magical Floating Stones are actully Bullshitt-y Floating Stones, ya dig?

Back at the ranch, Team Freckles decides that they’re going to find the missing bodies. They head to Bethendur’s Storage, and Ryo uses the power of smell to sniff out the deceased individuals. It admittedly takes a little while, but they are eventually brought to a mound of dirt. Or is it a mound of dead bodies covered in dirt? Gross. Long story short, they need proof that these murders are tied with the mysterious underground cult – so Ryo fucking pulls this guys head off and gives it to Gaelkur.

It’s fucking gross.

DAY THREE: Squad Goals

The day of the trial! Poor Bucket receives a guilty sentence, but The Four Assholes, those motherfuckers, are declared innocent. This doesn’t stop the haters, and a fight erupts. There is a lot of yelling, and lots of dying. Lot’s of cryptic words and messages.

  • FOR THE FURY OF THE BLACK EARTH
  • FOR THE CRASHING WAVE
  • Ogarmoch, og├ármoch, ├▓germach, oghe zihs dg ssfoowd we yeah idk ask joey FORGIVE ME
    This was whispered to Sandro by Elak, the stoneworker, as he died in Sandro’s arms.
  • This will be a day to remember. May I ebb and flow with the tide.

Gaelkur waltzes the fuck in after not helping us with the fight and informs us that ogarmahgoedjdo is actually a deity – The Prince of the Earth Cult. He says that this does not bode well, especially with the looming possibility of war ahead. We are introduced to another elemental phrase:

  • FOR THE HOWLING FLAME

Gaelkur informs TFA that the elemental cults are very strange. Some factions get along better than others, some do not wish to be crossed, etc…He then gives the four a golden mask, and says that it comes from Beliard.

Which is where our journey will take us next. Away we go.

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Comments

You act as if that kazoo piece Kilkax came up with wasn’t the amazing gentle power ballad lullaby it clearly was…

YOU THERE, WELL HUNG STABLE BOY.
Apollopuff

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