Princes of the Apocalypse


Last Week, on a very special episode of Who’s Your Daddy…

The Gang, returning to Red Larch after a very somber encounter with some sheep and also dead bodies, are greeted by a familiar face – Harburk Tuthmarillar, the constable, who rather suspiciously asks our heroes exactly what they’ve been up to for the last four days. The Four Assholes inform Harburk that they were simply ‘travelling.’ This leads to a little bit of further questioning, but considering how shitty TFA (The Four Assholes) are at communicating…It’s awkward. Eventually Harburk stops talking to them. Unsurprising.

They run into Jalessa after, and she informs the squad that bodies have been discovered in the passages below Red Larch, along with a young child who is pinning the murders on TFA. Their weapons are confiscated (save for Kilkax’s dagger, because he’s a persuasive little fuck), and they are told that they will be put on trial. In order to be proven innocent, TFA are told that they must find someone to defend them, as well as convince several people to stand on their side in the jury. This proves to be pretty difficult considering how few people TFA have actually bothered talking to in Red Larch – but eventually they get the ball rolling. It’s awesome.

But you know what Isn’t awesome? Kilkax playing some fucked up shit to try and lull our adventurers to sleep. No one has a good time and everyone is angry.

DAY ONE: Sexual Healing

In the morning, TFA decide to check out Allfaiths Shrine. The original intent was to speak with our friend the Half Elf with the name I never remember – but they soon discover that he has moved on to another town, and there are new missionaries in Red Larch. TFA head back to The Swinging Sword, discovering Kaylessa engaged in a rather heated conversation a rather slimy looking gent named Marlandro Gaelkur. Kaylessa agrees to represent TFA, but declines their proposition that she plead their case – Gaelkur, the fish oil salesman, says that he would be more than willing to represent TFA, and they agree that it is something they will have to think about. When TFA leave The Swinging Sword and head to The Helm, Justran (the cellerer) also offers to represent them. TFA will eventually choose Gaelkur over Justran. More on that later.

Now, to the good shit. Our heroes return to The Swinging Sword, this time seeking council with Ghileeda. Kaylessa lets TFA know that she is in the back – and oh boy in what company. Here our adventurers meet Iraun Thelder, the well hung stable boy. Ryo shows LEG, bats eyelashes, flips hair, makes a kissy face, and booty tooches – but to no avail. Kilkax thinks Iraun is pree hot too, so he shows him some skin and winks a lot.

After this rather sexual display, Ghileeda tells TFA that she wants absolutely nothing to do with the trial.

Kilkax probably feels as though his masculinity has been stripped from him at this point, so he decides to spy on Ghileeda disguised as Keanu Reeves (but not like, super hot Keanu Reeves. Like Conspiracy Meme Keanu Reeves). He sort-of-lip-reads the word ‘wave.’ He gets a raging clue. The other three enter the tavern. Ryo and Sandro busy themselves complimenting each other, and Tinuviel alongside Kilkax (now no longer luke warm Keanu) tag team the seduction of Garlen. It’s steamy. Garlen threatens to cut off Kilkax’s balls or something. Tinuviel is not phased. Team Freckles is oblivious. Werk.

DAY TWO: Getting A-HEAD of the Game

The Squad Pod, after a much better sleep than the night before, decide that Gaelkur will be the one to represent them in their trial. He asks them several questions and sends TFA off to FIND THE ANSWERS.

First, they go and talk to that fuckin’ kid who’s trying to accuse them of murder. Turns out he’s been conditioned, so TFA ain’t even mad. TFA does learn that this kids dad and his dads boss are part of a cult, however, and they decide to investigate this further. They mosey on over to Waelvur’s Wagonworks and split up to look for clues. Team Freckles heads into the shop to try and distract Waelvur, while Team Nice Ass Such Sass head into the junk yard to try and find the trap door leading to the tunnels under Red Larch.

Ryo and Sandro (who have perfected the art of Fucking Shit Up) cause some delightful mayhem all up in the shop, giving Tinuviel and Kilkax enough time to make their way across the junk yard and slip into the trap door undetected.


Fucking Spyro and Tiny Drow make their way back to the main tunnels, and once again find themselves in the stone room (those rocks sure are floating alright). Kilkax does some badass earth bending shit, and it is confirmed that these Magical Floating Stones are actully Bullshitt-y Floating Stones, ya dig?

Back at the ranch, Team Freckles decides that they’re going to find the missing bodies. They head to Bethendur’s Storage, and Ryo uses the power of smell to sniff out the deceased individuals. It admittedly takes a little while, but they are eventually brought to a mound of dirt. Or is it a mound of dead bodies covered in dirt? Gross. Long story short, they need proof that these murders are tied with the mysterious underground cult – so Ryo fucking pulls this guys head off and gives it to Gaelkur.

It’s fucking gross.

DAY THREE: Squad Goals

The day of the trial! Poor Bucket receives a guilty sentence, but The Four Assholes, those motherfuckers, are declared innocent. This doesn’t stop the haters, and a fight erupts. There is a lot of yelling, and lots of dying. Lot’s of cryptic words and messages.

  • Ogarmoch, ogàrmoch, ògermach, oghe zihs dg ssfoowd we yeah idk ask joey FORGIVE ME
    This was whispered to Sandro by Elak, the stoneworker, as he died in Sandro’s arms.
  • This will be a day to remember. May I ebb and flow with the tide.

Gaelkur waltzes the fuck in after not helping us with the fight and informs us that ogarmahgoedjdo is actually a deity – The Prince of the Earth Cult. He says that this does not bode well, especially with the looming possibility of war ahead. We are introduced to another elemental phrase:


Gaelkur informs TFA that the elemental cults are very strange. Some factions get along better than others, some do not wish to be crossed, etc…He then gives the four a golden mask, and says that it comes from Beliard.

Which is where our journey will take us next. Away we go.


It's a rock, it floats
Session 2

The day after dealing with the Lord of Lance Rock, the party decides to follow up on some leads. Kilkax and Tinuviel visit the tanner and Ryo and Sandro question the stone mason. Both are awkward encounters that don’t really go anywhere.

After buying and checking some gear, they head to the quarry where they learn that the night shift workers have been seeing odd things. They also heard rumors of a nearby cave that might have treasure. They head to the cave where they’re promptly attacked by bats and Sandro almost died. It was a bust, there were no bandits or treasure.

They head back to town to recuperate and kill time before nightfall. At the Swinging Sword they talk to the preacher. Once night comes, Sandro and Tinuviel head into the quarry. As they speak to the workers about the strange goings on, Tinuviel spots a figure wearing a stone mask in the bushes. They rejoin Kilkax and Ryo at the quarry opening to relay what they saw, and as they are they hear screams. The workers vacate the quarry, and Tinuviel manages to track the masked figure back into town.
At the bar, Sandro and Tinuviel try to get information from the workers but Tinuviel manages to piss them all off so that didn’t work. They head back to the inn for the night.

They awake to yet more screams because the people in the town love to scream. They see a giant sink hole north of the inn, where 2 kids have fallen in with a cart. The party lowers Ryo into the hole to save them though the town Elders insisted they can handle it. Ryo saves them anyway, but not before he drops one of them. He discovers a stone door and a tunnel leading south back into the town. Ryo and Sandro investigate the door while Tinuviel and Kilkax go down the tunnel and discover a hatch. But they are terrible at stealth and get caught. Sandro and Ryo try to investigate whats beyond the door but forget torches exist, so the party reconvenes.

They all head into the door and discover more tunnels. The party encounters some rats and Ryo shows uncharacteristic fighting skills for a ranger, and everyone is suspicious about it except Kilkax. They forge on ahead and find a floating rock, everyone inspected it. It floated. Ryo tried to ride it. It didn’t work. Kilkax moved the rock. It no longer floated. In the next room they find a dwarven statue, and a ceremonial dagger with an inscription that Kilkax reads aloud.

Suddenly, the room is surrounded by enemies, and Tinuviel almost dies but gets her revenge by setting 2 of them on fire. Kilkax inspired the party and Sandro kicked in all the faces. They then meet Augustus, who guards the door to the floating rocks. He is very adamant that they don’t disturb the rocks, but the party does anyway. They are attacked by a man that Augustus calls the Earth Priest, but he escapes through a hidden door. Tinuviel finds a Maribar trading bar, and the party remembers the preacher telling them about a group of delegates carrying these bars. They were supposed to arrive in Red Larch, but he’s seen no sign of them.

They head back into town, with Kilkax and Tinuviel going to find the preacher to show him the ingot. At the inn, both Kaylessa and her assistant start to act very odd once they tell her why they’re looking for the preacher. At the bar, Ryo and Sandro talk (read: hit on) to a shepherd who tells them of mysterious graves that suddenly popped to the south east. He offered to show them in the morning.

They venture to the graves, where Kilkax and Tinuviel dig them up, much to the disdain of the other two. They discover the 4 bodies of the missing delegates. In the distance, Sandro spots a large tower surrounded by large birds.

"But seriously, who the hell are you people?"
Session 1

It was at Lance Rock where the paths of four travelers collided. The Elf Ryo, the Human Sandro, the Dragonborn Kilkax and the Drow Tinuviel. After about 25 minutes of Ryo awkwardly smiling at people without saying anything, it was revealed (Not by Ryo, who was too busy smiling) that most of them had been sent by one Kaylessa Irkell of Red Larch to deal with the disturbances at Lance Rock

Upon entering a cave right by Lance Rock, they found multiple signs warning travelers not to enter, lest they feel the fury of the “Lord of Lance Rock”. These warnings were promptly ignored

Several skeletons, falling rock traps and zombies in bear suits later, the party found themselves face to face with the mighty Oreioth. A necromancer who proclaimed himself the “Lord of Lance Rock” and who was, technically speaking, a raving loony. After a mad rant about how “The eye sees all” and something about the four elements that I don’t quite remember, the four collectively decided maybe they shouldn’t try to capture him peacefully. So they turned him into a small collection of body parts still lying deep in the cave. Not before he tried to possess a few party members however. But he failed. Because he sucks and is dumb

He appeared to be guarding a stash of money, which was split among the party, a wand, which Ryo picked up and an altar containing a magical orb with some glyphs hovering over it. The party attempted to interact with it, but upon picking up, all of its magical properties were lost, so they left it behind

Upon entering the nearby city of Red Larch, the party burst into The Swinging Sword, inquiring as to why the three were hired for one job. Kaylessa informed the party that they were not the first to venture forth, so precautions had to be taken. Tinuviel also let the party know that she had not been hired by Kaylessa and was in fact at Lance Rock for Oreioth’s wand, which the party elected to give her

As thanks for dealing with Oreioth, Kaylessa offered the party lodging for a modest price, which all accepted

That evening, the four got some drinks at The Helm at Highsun, where they all went around and gave some formal introductions. Upon leaving, Kilkax asked the bartender, Garlen Harlathurl for information, of which little was gathered. But also overheard was a halfling calling Kilkax a “lousy lizard”, which would likely have escalated had Tinuviel not dragged Kilkax out of the tavern

That night as the four lounged in the Swinging Sword, Kaylessa seemed visibly worried. After having been asked what was wrong, she divulged that strange things have been happening in Red Larch. And while she suspected they could be the doing of the Lord of Lance Rock, it seems she was mistaken, as two hooded figures wearing stone masks lurched by the Swinging Sword

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