Princes of the Apocalypse

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"But seriously, who the hell are you people?"
Session 1

It was at Lance Rock where the paths of four travelers collided. The Elf Ryo, the Human Sandro, the Dragonborn Kilkax and the Drow Tinuviel. After about 25 minutes of Ryo awkwardly smiling at people without saying anything, it was revealed (Not by Ryo, who was too busy smiling) that most of them had been sent by one Kaylessa Irkell of Red Larch to deal with the disturbances at Lance Rock

Upon entering a cave right by Lance Rock, they found multiple signs warning travelers not to enter, lest they feel the fury of the “Lord of Lance Rock”. These warnings were promptly ignored

Several skeletons, falling rock traps and zombies in bear suits later, the party found themselves face to face with the mighty Oreioth. A necromancer who proclaimed himself the “Lord of Lance Rock” and who was, technically speaking, a raving loony. After a mad rant about how “The eye sees all” and something about the four elements that I don’t quite remember, the four collectively decided maybe they shouldn’t try to capture him peacefully. So they turned him into a small collection of body parts still lying deep in the cave. Not before he tried to possess a few party members however. But he failed. Because he sucks and is dumb

He appeared to be guarding a stash of money, which was split among the party, a wand, which Ryo picked up and an altar containing a magical orb with some glyphs hovering over it. The party attempted to interact with it, but upon picking up, all of its magical properties were lost, so they left it behind

Upon entering the nearby city of Red Larch, the party burst into The Swinging Sword, inquiring as to why the three were hired for one job. Kaylessa informed the party that they were not the first to venture forth, so precautions had to be taken. Tinuviel also let the party know that she had not been hired by Kaylessa and was in fact at Lance Rock for Oreioth’s wand, which the party elected to give her

As thanks for dealing with Oreioth, Kaylessa offered the party lodging for a modest price, which all accepted

That evening, the four got some drinks at The Helm at Highsun, where they all went around and gave some formal introductions. Upon leaving, Kilkax asked the bartender, Garlen Harlathurl for information, of which little was gathered. But also overheard was a halfling calling Kilkax a “lousy lizard”, which would likely have escalated had Tinuviel not dragged Kilkax out of the tavern

That night as the four lounged in the Swinging Sword, Kaylessa seemed visibly worried. After having been asked what was wrong, she divulged that strange things have been happening in Red Larch. And while she suspected they could be the doing of the Lord of Lance Rock, it seems she was mistaken, as two hooded figures wearing stone masks lurched by the Swinging Sword

It's a rock, it floats
Session 2

The day after dealing with the Lord of Lance Rock, the party decides to follow up on some leads. Kilkax and Tinuviel visit the tanner and Ryo and Sandro question the stone mason. Both are awkward encounters that don’t really go anywhere.

After buying and checking some gear, they head to the quarry where they learn that the night shift workers have been seeing odd things. They also heard rumors of a nearby cave that might have treasure. They head to the cave where they’re promptly attacked by bats and Sandro almost died. It was a bust, there were no bandits or treasure.

They head back to town to recuperate and kill time before nightfall. At the Swinging Sword they talk to the preacher. Once night comes, Sandro and Tinuviel head into the quarry. As they speak to the workers about the strange goings on, Tinuviel spots a figure wearing a stone mask in the bushes. They rejoin Kilkax and Ryo at the quarry opening to relay what they saw, and as they are they hear screams. The workers vacate the quarry, and Tinuviel manages to track the masked figure back into town.
At the bar, Sandro and Tinuviel try to get information from the workers but Tinuviel manages to piss them all off so that didn’t work. They head back to the inn for the night.

They awake to yet more screams because the people in the town love to scream. They see a giant sink hole north of the inn, where 2 kids have fallen in with a cart. The party lowers Ryo into the hole to save them though the town Elders insisted they can handle it. Ryo saves them anyway, but not before he drops one of them. He discovers a stone door and a tunnel leading south back into the town. Ryo and Sandro investigate the door while Tinuviel and Kilkax go down the tunnel and discover a hatch. But they are terrible at stealth and get caught. Sandro and Ryo try to investigate whats beyond the door but forget torches exist, so the party reconvenes.

They all head into the door and discover more tunnels. The party encounters some rats and Ryo shows uncharacteristic fighting skills for a ranger, and everyone is suspicious about it except Kilkax. They forge on ahead and find a floating rock, everyone inspected it. It floated. Ryo tried to ride it. It didn’t work. Kilkax moved the rock. It no longer floated. In the next room they find a dwarven statue, and a ceremonial dagger with an inscription that Kilkax reads aloud.

Suddenly, the room is surrounded by enemies, and Tinuviel almost dies but gets her revenge by setting 2 of them on fire. Kilkax inspired the party and Sandro kicked in all the faces. They then meet Augustus, who guards the door to the floating rocks. He is very adamant that they don’t disturb the rocks, but the party does anyway. They are attacked by a man that Augustus calls the Earth Priest, but he escapes through a hidden door. Tinuviel finds a Maribar trading bar, and the party remembers the preacher telling them about a group of delegates carrying these bars. They were supposed to arrive in Red Larch, but he’s seen no sign of them.

They head back into town, with Kilkax and Tinuviel going to find the preacher to show him the ingot. At the inn, both Kaylessa and her assistant start to act very odd once they tell her why they’re looking for the preacher. At the bar, Ryo and Sandro talk (read: hit on) to a shepherd who tells them of mysterious graves that suddenly popped to the south east. He offered to show them in the morning.

They venture to the graves, where Kilkax and Tinuviel dig them up, much to the disdain of the other two. They discover the 4 bodies of the missing delegates. In the distance, Sandro spots a large tower surrounded by large birds.


Last Week, on a very special episode of Who’s Your Daddy…

The Gang, returning to Red Larch after a very somber encounter with some sheep and also dead bodies, are greeted by a familiar face – Harburk Tuthmarillar, the constable, who rather suspiciously asks our heroes exactly what they’ve been up to for the last four days. The Four Assholes inform Harburk that they were simply ‘travelling.’ This leads to a little bit of further questioning, but considering how shitty TFA (The Four Assholes) are at communicating…It’s awkward. Eventually Harburk stops talking to them. Unsurprising.

They run into Jalessa after, and she informs the squad that bodies have been discovered in the passages below Red Larch, along with a young child who is pinning the murders on TFA. Their weapons are confiscated (save for Kilkax’s dagger, because he’s a persuasive little fuck), and they are told that they will be put on trial. In order to be proven innocent, TFA are told that they must find someone to defend them, as well as convince several people to stand on their side in the jury. This proves to be pretty difficult considering how few people TFA have actually bothered talking to in Red Larch – but eventually they get the ball rolling. It’s awesome.

But you know what Isn’t awesome? Kilkax playing some fucked up shit to try and lull our adventurers to sleep. No one has a good time and everyone is angry.

DAY ONE: Sexual Healing

In the morning, TFA decide to check out Allfaiths Shrine. The original intent was to speak with our friend the Half Elf with the name I never remember – but they soon discover that he has moved on to another town, and there are new missionaries in Red Larch. TFA head back to The Swinging Sword, discovering Kaylessa engaged in a rather heated conversation a rather slimy looking gent named Marlandro Gaelkur. Kaylessa agrees to represent TFA, but declines their proposition that she plead their case – Gaelkur, the fish oil salesman, says that he would be more than willing to represent TFA, and they agree that it is something they will have to think about. When TFA leave The Swinging Sword and head to The Helm, Justran (the cellerer) also offers to represent them. TFA will eventually choose Gaelkur over Justran. More on that later.

Now, to the good shit. Our heroes return to The Swinging Sword, this time seeking council with Ghileeda. Kaylessa lets TFA know that she is in the back – and oh boy in what company. Here our adventurers meet Iraun Thelder, the well hung stable boy. Ryo shows LEG, bats eyelashes, flips hair, makes a kissy face, and booty tooches – but to no avail. Kilkax thinks Iraun is pree hot too, so he shows him some skin and winks a lot.

After this rather sexual display, Ghileeda tells TFA that she wants absolutely nothing to do with the trial.

Kilkax probably feels as though his masculinity has been stripped from him at this point, so he decides to spy on Ghileeda disguised as Keanu Reeves (but not like, super hot Keanu Reeves. Like Conspiracy Meme Keanu Reeves). He sort-of-lip-reads the word ‘wave.’ He gets a raging clue. The other three enter the tavern. Ryo and Sandro busy themselves complimenting each other, and Tinuviel alongside Kilkax (now no longer luke warm Keanu) tag team the seduction of Garlen. It’s steamy. Garlen threatens to cut off Kilkax’s balls or something. Tinuviel is not phased. Team Freckles is oblivious. Werk.

DAY TWO: Getting A-HEAD of the Game

The Squad Pod, after a much better sleep than the night before, decide that Gaelkur will be the one to represent them in their trial. He asks them several questions and sends TFA off to FIND THE ANSWERS.

First, they go and talk to that fuckin’ kid who’s trying to accuse them of murder. Turns out he’s been conditioned, so TFA ain’t even mad. TFA does learn that this kids dad and his dads boss are part of a cult, however, and they decide to investigate this further. They mosey on over to Waelvur’s Wagonworks and split up to look for clues. Team Freckles heads into the shop to try and distract Waelvur, while Team Nice Ass Such Sass head into the junk yard to try and find the trap door leading to the tunnels under Red Larch.

Ryo and Sandro (who have perfected the art of Fucking Shit Up) cause some delightful mayhem all up in the shop, giving Tinuviel and Kilkax enough time to make their way across the junk yard and slip into the trap door undetected.


Fucking Spyro and Tiny Drow make their way back to the main tunnels, and once again find themselves in the stone room (those rocks sure are floating alright). Kilkax does some badass earth bending shit, and it is confirmed that these Magical Floating Stones are actully Bullshitt-y Floating Stones, ya dig?

Back at the ranch, Team Freckles decides that they’re going to find the missing bodies. They head to Bethendur’s Storage, and Ryo uses the power of smell to sniff out the deceased individuals. It admittedly takes a little while, but they are eventually brought to a mound of dirt. Or is it a mound of dead bodies covered in dirt? Gross. Long story short, they need proof that these murders are tied with the mysterious underground cult – so Ryo fucking pulls this guys head off and gives it to Gaelkur.

It’s fucking gross.

DAY THREE: Squad Goals

The day of the trial! Poor Bucket receives a guilty sentence, but The Four Assholes, those motherfuckers, are declared innocent. This doesn’t stop the haters, and a fight erupts. There is a lot of yelling, and lots of dying. Lot’s of cryptic words and messages.

  • Ogarmoch, ogàrmoch, ògermach, oghe zihs dg ssfoowd we yeah idk ask joey FORGIVE ME
    This was whispered to Sandro by Elak, the stoneworker, as he died in Sandro’s arms.
  • This will be a day to remember. May I ebb and flow with the tide.

Gaelkur waltzes the fuck in after not helping us with the fight and informs us that ogarmahgoedjdo is actually a deity – The Prince of the Earth Cult. He says that this does not bode well, especially with the looming possibility of war ahead. We are introduced to another elemental phrase:


Gaelkur informs TFA that the elemental cults are very strange. Some factions get along better than others, some do not wish to be crossed, etc…He then gives the four a golden mask, and says that it comes from Beliard.

Which is where our journey will take us next. Away we go.


Worst. Week. Ever.
The training wheels are off!

Dear Diary,

We woke to a new day in Red Larch, after a tumultuous week of conspiracies that left a lot of people either incarcerated or dead. Following Gaelkur‘s tip, we planned to set out to Beliard but before that, went for some last minute shopping. We gathered more supplies like spellbooks, a Genealogical History of Mirabar, some rations and a healer’s kit. Just in case. On our way to Ironhead’s we bid goodbye to Gaelkur, as he was leaving for his long jaunt out of the continent. He left us with wise words regarding picking fights and when to back down. After a quick equipment assessment by Feng, we spoke to Kaylessa one last time before venturing out of town. We encountered a wee lad just outside, who hurled a tomato at poor Ryo. Turned out to be Elak’s grandchild, and he was quite upset. Well, good thing we’re leaving, then.
The first couple of days went quietly by; most of us reflected the entire time on this strange fellowship we haphazardly formed. Later on, we engaged a hungry Owlbear, whom we laid waste to, while Ryo remained blissfully unaware for the most part. That went well, the only mishap being a traumatised Kilkax and an electrocuted Paladin. We contemplated on eating the dead creature JUST TO SEND A MESSAGE TO OTHER OWLBEARS, but decided on having Tinuviel burn a warning on the ground, instead.

At night, we made camp while Kilkax played some garbled noise that struck fear into our very hearts. At least it kept the owlbears away.

The next days were cloudy. We spent some time inspecting the gold mask—only to find out that it wasn’t even real gold! Tinuviel seemed to recognise it being similar to the one of her family’s attacker. She looked crestfallen and remained silent throughout the night.

On the 6th day, we encountered this subjectively hideous ogre in the distance. Tinuviel tried to put it to sleep twice, but did not work. Running away from it was not an option, either; this ogre was an Olympic gold medallist. I managed to restrain it, while Kilkax blinded him and Tinuviel nuked the bugger. Team Freckles laid the smack-down on the ogre, with Ryo doing his fancy footwork. It was a sight to behold. Later at camp, we tried questioning Ryo again about his strange martial prowess, but he shut us down. He did, however, share secrets with Kilkax in the dark.
We neared the small village of Beliard, and headed to the tavern to gather information for our mission. The bar wench, Zenia, graciously provided us with information and a great view, but not before giving Ryo A BONER TO REMEMBER. She recognised the gold mask, seeing a similar one worn by a monk who was spying on the delegates. She pointed us to Summit Hall in the Black Caps. She also mentioned Knights in sky blue armour and birds of unusual size. The next day, we headed up north, spotting a scorched battlefield on the way and decided to investigate. We found the same cultist robes and masks in a nearby cairn and took them with us.
We reached Summit Hall and spoke to the Elder of the stronghold, she told us that the delegates never made it to the temple, but saw the mask and said we should head up to a monastery further north. We divulged information on the bodies found near Dragon’s Crown, and the Elder said that these were not the delegates, but their bodyguards, meaning that there was still hope that the delegates were still alive. She bade us good fortune on our mission and we pressed on.

We arrived at the Sacred Stone Monastery and noticed the strange and deathly pale Dwarven guards circling the perimeter. Decided to tiptoe around the fortress, inspecting for entryways but found none and the door was locked, so we waited to confront the guards who were quite hostile and forced us to back down. That night, we fabricated a plan via using the acquired masks and robes on Ryo and Tinuviel, while Kilkax would use a glamour and let me seemingly “meld” with the image. With that, we settled for the night, taking turns to keep watch. I woke up from some ominous dream but felt relief as the freckled face of Ryo greeted me instead. The guards had not deviated in the usual patrol, but disappeared at some point, so we decided to attempt entry through the back door.

Ryo parkoured over the wall and let us into the garden, where we saw very life-like gargoyle statues. Our attempt at subterfuge worked until Kilkax misstepped and exposed our guise. He quickly put his glamour back on without me, and everyone else resumed inspecting the statues—who started moving on their own! No one noticed this until I started getting mauled by two of them. Trying on the mask did not deter the attack, so we desperately made a break for the inner door. We narrowly escaped the vile demons and now I am lying in a pool of my own blood.

Yours truly,
Sandro XVII

P.S. I’m dying.

Three Fights and a little lady
battle royal

After a gruelling fight with ‘Jerry’, we re-connect with our heroes behind the safety of a door. As per tradition, Sandro was almost dead and everyone else was pretty beaten up. Behind the door was darkness, weird echoing sounds, and crumbling walls – or so their hands would suggest. It was a cold and unwelcoming dungeon the likes of which will not be their last. Ryo lead the group, lighting the way with his staff as the new comer Anora flanked. After what seemed like hours of walking, the group finally landed upon a doorway to an abandoned room. Everyone decided this was a good a place as any to take a long rest and laid down their bedrolls.


Ryo took the first watch and meditated on the previous battle, once his watch was complete he went to wake Kilkax with a swift kick to the balls but thought better of it and gave him a forceful shove instead. Kilkax then took up his watch and also thought about the battle and his possible short comings in not better protecting his friend, Sandro. Once his watch was complete he went to rustle up Anora, and took the opportunity to give her some cut eye and a wistful threat of more chatting. Anora agreed to more chats and took up her watch. She kept one eye on the hallway and one eye on the new companions she had met, still unsure of their intentions. Once her watch was complete she went to wake Tinuviel but being new to the group, woke the wrong elf and got another dose of cut eye—this time from Ryo. After getting an earful about elf meditation she continued on, this time waking the right elf, Tinuviel, who swiftly took up her watch. Tinuviel invited Ryo to join her and team elf nattered on until the rest of the team woke. Sandro thankfully woke up fully healed, because as we all know the saying goes: “a long rest a day keeps the doctor away’.

The team then came up with a grand three step plan:
1) Save the captured delegates
2) Find a way out of the sacred stone monastery
3) Find out who runs this place

Before hitting the cobble stone, Anora told the story of her capture in Sacred stone. She claimed to be walking in the opposite direction of the delegates, but once their paths met she got caught up in a wrong place wrong time situation. The black earth cultists met head on with the air cult aka ‘men with birds’ and in the shuffle Anora was taken along with the delegates to the dungeon of Sacred stone. After a day or two in the dank dungeon everyone started to go a little mad. One delegate began to bang against the bars of Anora’s cell allowing a small space for her to squeeze out, in which she caught up with the TFA. Kilkax was skeptical of Anora’s story but a voice of God came over him and insured that she was not lying.


After forty years in desert the team finally hit some jail cells and a Sage Dwarf named Bruntheldar (aka Brendan). He corroborated Anora’s story, telling the group of his treacherous capture. He then went on to explain how the monastery used to be a castle, the monks are only brewing Brandi and the east wing is to be avoid at all costs. Weird distant chanting could be heard from time to time but the team decided to ignore the sounds and carry on. They split into two teams (freckles and butts). Team Freckles (Ryo/Sandro) went to search out an escape at a group of mossy stones they passed earlier. The others hung back and Kilkax suggested a passive aggressive game of 3 questions to learn more about Anora’s past, but didn’t get any really new information. Tinuviel then found a door and decided to take a sneaky peak inside. She saw one Uruk guard, so she slowly backed out and closed the door.

By this time, team Freckles rejoined the group by the jail cells having cleared the mossy stones and creating a clean exit leading to Beliard. The group formed a plan of escape and freedom for the delegates. They were to call out the guard using Brendan as a distraction. Tinuviel would then cast sleep on him from within the jail cell Anora broke out of earlier. Oceans 11 jazz music played as Tinuviel cast sleep on the guard, the music then stopped with a record scratch halt as the guard did not fall asleep and an Ogre/another Uruk appeared from behind the door. A battle royale then broke out with everyone coming close to death at one point or another. Luckily the Ogre was inept and couldn’t swing his club for shit so the team destroyed all three opponents. After robbing their barely cold corpse of any valuables, a set of keys was found and the delegates rang free. Everyone went to the exit and headed back to Beliard.


In Beliard the regular cast of characters appeared; Senya the busty bar maid and Ned Thark the barkeep. The group decided they would need assistance if they were to crash into the monastery again, so they went to the dwarf. Brendan not having any help or supplies on hand suggested the group look for some help else where. They decided to take a day’s journey to Summit Hall to gain some backup.

After a rather brutal chat with the matron of Summit Hall she allowed the group two knights for Ten days’ time. Kilkax then added insult to injury by promising to have the knights back in good health 100% no lies. The matron left the group with a sassy quip and they were back on their way to Beliard, this time with two new additions Bob and Thob.


The journey back to the monastery was long but finally the group reached the secret entrance of the tunnel marked with a rock in the shape of Ryan Gosling. Not wasting any time, the group re-entered the monastery and made their way back to the jail cells. Along the way two giant Minotaur’s (aka mad cows) were found guarding the hallway to the staircase. The battle rang out with the mad cows. They stood no chance against the team with Kilkax’s amazing dagger catch in his teeth and Thob’s final killing blow for the honour of the dying Bob. The group decided it best to leave Bob in the jail cell hidden from plain view, hoping he would make a recovery and the matron would never need to know.


Now heading back upstairs towards the distillery aka distilleru, weird uniform dwarven chanting was heard. The gang decides to do a bit of exploring while the coast seems clear, checking in the room of ‘she who will not be named’ and a locked door. After Kilkax failed attempts with his lock pick the group moved on to what appeared to be a classroom. The group explored and luckily Anora found a scroll for ‘Knock’ leading the group to try the locked door once more. Inside the room was a laboratory with an ancient figure scribbling at a table. Was he a Lich - time will tell as he did not seem to be in a good mood, so the gang backed out quietly leaving him to his work.

The chanting by this point was only getting louder and weirder. After following the sounds to a select door the chanting came to an eerie halt. The group walked through the door only to find all the Sacred Stone monks dead in massive pools of blood. Only two guards, Helenrae and the monk Quarbo still stood alive and well. The group now releasing the shit-storm they walked into, prepared for their boss battle. There were clouds of smoke created and Sandro beheaded a guard with one foul swoop. Everyone was attentive to not to kill the monk as he needed to be questioned still on the truths of Tinuviel’s family’s death. After the guards were killed and the monk put to sleep, Ryo force pushed Helenrae down into the pit where our good friend Jerry, from the beginning of this journey, lives. Thus coming full circle.

The group celebrated momentarily until Thob thoughtfully reminded the group that Bob was still in the dungeon by himself.

Will Bob be saved; will Tinuviel be able to control herself while questioning the Monk? Will the group be able to once again escape the monastery? All will soon be revealed …


The Power of Friendship
Or Possibly Jewelry

From the desk of the Reverend Dr. Kilkax of Argonnessen, Esq

To my esteemed readers and wonderful fans the world over:

Fuck me, this has been a hell of a weird few days. So after Ryu uses his weird force push thing to get rid of Helenrae we’re left with this Quarbo guy and we needed to get some info out of him. So Tinuviel, along with myself and Anora stuck around to question him while Team Freckles went skulking around looking for any loot we might have missed

So we’re interrogating Quarbo and he isn’t talking because he’s a crazy person. So we attempted to persuade him. And by “persuade”, I mean threaten. And by “threaten”, I mean we cut his fingers off. And by “we”, I mean Tinuviel. I was there mostly for moral support (threats) and Anora was watching peacefully from the sidelines. Honestly, I was impressed at her ability to not hurl

As the tortur- I mean, interrogation went on, he finally started to talk, but it wasn’t really what we wanted to hear. Tinuviel learned that her family was slaughtered for… no reason. They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Out of frustration and our curiosity, we basically killed him, but then I brought him back from the brink. I then told him we could do it all day because we’re psychopaths. As all that was going on, I could swear I heard Roy and Sandro awkwardly avoid the whole situation.

Once they actually did come back in, they showed us all the loot they had picked up. It was a decent amount and we split it all up later, but they also found friendship bracelets. Not to be one-upped, Tinuviel and I each grabbed a souvenir pinky from Quarbo and make necklaces out of them. Anora gave a side-eye. I have a feeling she slightly disapproves of us wearing bits of someone else as a larf. Eventually, we heard some ruckus downstairs and Tinuviel lost her patience so she put my dagger through Quarbo’s eye directly into his frontal lobe. Ryo threw up everywhere

We all rushed downstairs and found Bob right where he left him. Thob was ecstatic. They shared a long tearful reunion that was absolutely beautiful. Then Tinuviel promptly accidentally killed Bob when fuckin’ Helenrae attacked. I grabbed his sword to present later. It wasn’t his body, but it was all we could gather what with Helenrae attacking and also Jerry hulking toward us and also Sandro almost dying horribly, as is tradition. And since Helenrae was crazy and flippin’ off walls and shit, we all barely survived. But we managed to take everyone down, with Anora delivering the final blow to Jerry. We breathed a sigh of relief and set up camp at Mt. Gosling before heading to Summit Hall to deliver Thob back. We let Sandro rest because my god, I’m surprised the dude still has functioning internal organs. The rest of us took turns at the watch

I still think about what Ryo and I talked about. I’m probably gonna pull him aside soon and ask about it, because based on how he’s been acting he has no intention of coming clean yet. And I’m still not entirely sure what Anora thinks of us. I assume she spent her watch thinking about that. But she hadn’t run in the morning, so maybe she thinks there’s safety in numbers

When I woke up for my watch, Tinuviel was crying. Something I’ve never seen her do, nor did I think she was capable of doing. I don’t blame her though. To want answers so bad and then be met with what she was told? Horrible. We had a brief talk before I left her back to her own reflecting. And then I heard Thob sobbing. I felt horrible. If I hadn’t been such an asshole at Summit Hall, Bob would still be alive. I don’t like having people die on my watch. I gave Thob Bob’s sword as a keepsake and we briefly exchanged words before he fell asleep

I don’t want to talk about Summit Hall. We returned Thob. We were banished. It’s my fault. The end

We then set out to Beliard where we came upon a choice. We could either head down towards Sharn, stopping by in Womford to follow a lead on that Dwarven genealogy book I picked up (worth a pretty penny each, according to Bruntheldar) or we could further investigate that there tower we saw with the birds and the knights and such. We elected to head toward Womford, but not before staying the night in Beliard. Some drinks were had and at some point Senya kissed Ryo. But it wasn’t like a hot, passionate steamy kiss like she would’ve given me, it was more of a “aw, aren’t you cute, you’re like a brother to me” kiss. He claims otherwise but like, pfft whatever

So we start heading down towards Womford and then a caravan pulls up like “We’re going to a festival! There’s big bonfires in the shape of a man but it’s not Burning Man!” and we were all like “These seem like people we can trust” so we were like, fuck it, let’s go! And then everyone got high and then everyone learned that we were riding with a bunch of crazy cult members and we were all like “Oh”

We’ve just gotten to the festival and I think for the time being we’re going to try to keep a low profile. Because we’ve been so good at it in the past, you know?

Well, I’ve been writing in this journal for like 10 minutes, which means Ryo’s probably gotten into some trouble, so I should go see what he’s gotten himself into

The Right Honorable Kilkax of Argonnessen

Those sure are some berries

Dearest brother,

How I wish you were here to experience these mad adventures with me. I don’t know why I write to you, you’re not here to read these letters. But it helps a little I suppose. Anyway, who would have thought that I would find myself caught up in this web of cults, danger, and deception?
I suppose I should start at the beginning.

After we met those strange druids, we decided to follow them to their festival. I mean, we needed some time to relax after our run in with the Sacred Stone Monastery, we deserved some fun.

We traveled with them for 3 days in a berry induced haze, talking about everything and nothing. Finally we arrived, a little late, to the festival. We made camp and spent the night on a hillside. Unfortunately, Sandro and Anora had to share a tent with one of the druids, the least liked one it seems. He snored so loudly, they had to roll him out of the tent. I spent most of the night looking up at the stars and around our camp. After the berries wore off, I found myself wondering why I was here.

In the morning, they made some delicious breakfast, and I was a little rude to them. I feel guilty about that now, but it’s hard to keep my emotions in check after everything that’s happened. Afterwards, they offered us more berries. I was happy to partake, as was Kilkax and Ryo. Sandro and Anora seemed uncomfortable and went for a walk. After they left, one of the druids was very excited and proposed we have a storytelling competition. We were all very pleased about this idea.

The first one to tell their story was Ryo, who told a very sad tale about an ugly barnacle who was so ugly that everyone died. It was very deep, as everyone agreed. I don’t really remember what the druids’ stories were, I was too focused on the fact that they were trying to grow flowers and conjure wind. Things that druids should very easily be able to accomplish.

Next was me, and I am embarrassed to say that I brought the mood down. I told them the story of your death, and how I went on a quest for revenge that ended with chicken. I don’t think anyone really got it. Kilkax ended the contest with an emotional story about a man who took the fall for the boy he raised. Everyone was deeply moved. I don’t really know how, but I managed to win this contest and I received a beautiful ivory pipe.

The druids then decided to head off to the temple to complete their trials, we would join them later. Kilkax took Ryo aside for some reason, leaving me alone with Sandro and Anora. We decided to go pet the elk that the druids had. Sandro and Anora learned that they were at the same event where a man was burned alive. I decided to let them talk about what they had in common. Finally, the other two rejoined us. We spoke among ourselves, revealing our uneasy feelings about this whole situation, but we ultimately decided we should find out what’s going on. We decided to look around the grounds.

We headed east, where we met a group of druids arguing about the purpose of fire. I didn’t really care much about this petty argument. I was too interested in the strange hooded man they had with them. He looked anxious, and he secretly drew the symbol for the water cult in the air to me. I told Kilkax and Anora, who were farther from the camp, about this. Anora telepathically communicated with the man and he joined us under the ruse of getting firewood. His name was Suruki, and he was an undercover water cultist, wanting to know if we were there to relieve him of his duty. We convinced him we were, and we learned of the cult of Eternal Flame and how he suspects that something wasn’t right about this festival. We agreed and promised to figure it out.

We headed back west, down a new path and we met with 4 new people. They quickly grew suspicious of us and went to attack. How rude, right? Well anyway, Kilkax, Ryo and I almost die. But we’re fine now because Sandro did some incredible sword work. Though at the wrong moment, as another druid woman saw the fight. She was incredibly panicked, though Kilkax managed to calm her. She agreed to let us use her camp to heal and rest for a short while.
You would have loved the two sprites she had with her. They were the cutest things I have ever seen, and so mischievous.

She told us she was there because she felt she didn’t fit in with other druid groups. We were hesitant to tell her that this people weren’t druid at all, but she shared our suspicions. She didn’t know what else to do, so Kilkax offered to let her join us to the ceremony the next day to see for herself. She accepted, but didn’t want us at her camp any longer lest we bring danger into it. We headed off towards our trials and to meet the cult’s leader, Elizar.

Meet him we did, and brother let me tell you, he was one of the most handsome men (with David Bowie level bulge) I’ve ever laid eyes upon. We were all getting pretty hot and bothered in his presence, and it wasn’t just because there was a giant wicker man burning behind us. He tells us of the trials, but I wasn’t really listening due to being captivated by his face area.

We began the trials with Ryo going first. He had to hold a hot coal in his hand for as long as possible, he gave a mediocre performance. I was next, being told to walk across hot coals. My performance also sucked.

When Elizar got to Kilkax, he paused and informed him he wouldn’t have to do a trial which was very curious. Next up was Anora, who had to hold a coal. I don’t think she felt the heat coming off of it at all. At least she had the sense to try to look surprised about this fact.

Last was Sandro, who was given the most difficult task in my opinion. He had to stand beside the burning wicker man for as long as possible. Given that he was wearing heavy metal armor, I was very impressed with his discipline and ability to stay there as long as he did. He became a Child of the Hearth. Ryo and myself became a Brother and Sister of the Kindle. Don’t ask me what these titles mean, I haven’t a clue.

The three of us were sent away, with Kilkax and Anora being invited up to Elizar’s chamber. Lucky bastards. We reluctantly headed back to the camp we shared with the four druids we travelled with. Once we met up with them, they were very excited to tell us their results and offered us more berries. We retired for the night, still feeling the heat from the trials on our skin.

I later learned what had gone on in Elizar’s chambers. Once Anora and Kilkax entered, things got very awkward as they didn’t know what was to be expected of them. Here they had the cult leader undressing in front of them. He asked Kilkax to rub his shoulders, Kilkax immediately started protesting but had no choice in the matter. The backrub was adequate.

During their time in his room they learn they are chosen to march with him, as Kilkax is a dragonborn and Anora is of dragon blood. He plans to complete the ritual the following day to summon the fire elemental and sacrifice his cult, after which he will march on Red Larch and burn it down. They are horrified to learn of this, and figure they should probably save the rest of us from certain death.

I don’t know what is to become of us, and where this will lead. But I will keep you updated.

Rest well,

Goodnight, Sweet Prince
aka 'don't let crazy try to stick its dick in you'

This…is the story of how Kilkax died.

But don’t worry, it gets worse from here!

Once upon a time, there was a bard named Kilkax, who woke up to smoke from under the door to his room. Turns out, it was just some morning ritual performed by the fire cultists at Scarlet Moon Hall. He noticed that his friend, Anora the Sorceress, had not emerged from her quarters, so he decided to drop in. To his horror, he discovered her in the same afflicted state that he had been in before: Gumbification! Green splotches dotted her in various areas and it seemed like she was literally made of jelly. He decided to leave her be.

In another part of the tower, Ryo the “Ranger”, Tinuviel the Wizard and a whole bunch of people had their hands bound, a burlap sack on their heads and were taken to the cellar. It was a dank and decrepit basement that made ‘Actual Druid’ Garienna uneasy. She wished her sprites were with her, but they had to be left at camp; little did she know, her tiny friends were mercilessly slaughtered by the cult guards. The hippies from earlier were there as well, including three bugbears under the alias of “Vincent Humanman.” A guard opened the hatch and took Mahoon—-the first of many casualties that day.

Meanwhile, Sandro the Paladin was stuck with the hot hippie, both awaited the call for the ritual. He was anxious, pacing back and forth, and questioned Varigo if things seemed very wrong to which the hippie spouted some unintelligent garbage that killed his sex appeal. Sandro walked away and up the hill to inquire the other people who obviously were freaky and in cahoots with the Cult of the Eternal Flame. Two of them smelled like wet dog. He managed to glean more information and things definitely did not look good for his friends.

Kilkax went to find Elizar, who immediately started creeping and coming on hard to the poor guy. The latter mentioned that the ritual would be grand and even though their Prophet, Vanifer, was not there to join them, all would be done in the name of their lord, Imix. The creeper asked about Anora’s whereabouts, and despite Kilkax’s protests to leave her alone, went to check on her and ended up equally freaked out by the state that she was in. They brought her along to the scaffolding, anyways, because Elizar was a pushy ho. Once they were outside, they were immediately greeted by the sight and screams of a man set on fire. Kilkax was horrified and dropped Anora, who fell down two stories, but surprisingly bounced up and away past the gates…past a stunned Sandro, who asked his group mates if they were seeing the same freaky shit unfold. They commented that they’ve seen weirder things, and by Boldrei’s eyebrows, Sandro swore he saw the two men to his left’s teeth lengthen. He peered at the sky and asked himself, ‘what kind of werewolves come out at midday???’ He glanced at where Anora had landed and saw her tucked into some foliage and soil off the main path. She seemed safe there. He noted that he’ll need to go back and pick her up at some point.

Back at the basement, Ryo had found a trap door lever underneath the rugs. He yanked at it and was almost discovered by a guard. He ended up being picked as the next kindle but before being dragged away, he grasped Tinuviel’s arm and threw her a panicked and pleading look. Bound again and burlap sacked, he joined the sobbing Garienna and Vincent Humanman. He also noticed that the sacks were…wet. Fuel, perhaps? Downstairs, Tinuviel got Sauruki to help her with the lever, but have difficulty as guards were popping in and out of the hatch. Sauruki mentioned that fire cultists panic and have no real plan and that they must bide their time. Eventually they made their escape just as another person was dragged upstairs.

After having waited a while by the gates, Sandro and the others were finally let in. He saw Kilkax and flashed him his million-dollar smile. Somewhere in the distance, Ryo swooned. Kilkax began addressing the Children of the Hearth, with an emboldening speech that carried hidden messages about DYING, KILLING and ATTACKING the cult. Elizar commended him and proceeded to entwine his fingers with Kilkax’s. The latter glanced back at his friend with defeat in his eyes that screamed, ‘I’M NOT IN CONTROL HERE’ to which Sandro gave him a subtle middle-finger.

Chanting erupted as Vincent Humanman was brought out, practically dragged to his feet—their guise long-detected. The first bug bear started crying, muttering broken pleas for mercy, the other two snarled and chittered rabidly. Immediately one’s throat was slit, then tossed and engulfed by flames; the others, clubbed and thrown into the fire..alive. Varigo looked very disturbed, so Sandro kicked at his ankles, urged him to stay with him to fight. Their friends were in grave danger and if he ran, he’d be killed. Minutes passed and panic had gotten the better of Varigo. Sandro tried to restrain him, but he bolted away. One of the men transformed into a werewolf and killed Varigo in cold blood. Tinuviel and Sauruki made it out of the cellar, just behind the tower. She recognized Kilkax’s form up above, cast dancing lights and caught his attention. He flailed around to try to deliver a message but Tinuviel could not decipher, so he cast mage hand and wrote ‘HELP’ on the dirt below. She responded with ‘RYU CAPTURED’ in the same fashion. Speaking of Ryo, our freckly cutie was on the first floor with Garienna and a guard. He tried coaxing the guard to take off his burlap sack, but that did not work. As they took Garienna, Ryo tried his best to go in her stead but to no avail. Left to his devices, he busied himself with relinquishing his bonds—first by shaking off the damned sack off his head.He saw a halberd in the room and shimmied his way to cut his bonds off which he successfully did, but the noise attracted a guard and a fight ensued.

The werewolf had picked up Tinuviel and Sauruki’s scent and started heading in their direction, but the badass Wizard cleverly used dancing lights to distract the mutt and led him far, far away. Get lost, furball. Sauruki then realized that she was not of the water cult and they bickered and sassed each other out until Sauruki had enough and left like a jaded lover. It went something like..’FINE! I REALLY DON’T CARE!’ and ‘FINE! BE THAT WAY!’ She decided to go back to the cellar to round up the other prisoners to help them in the coming attack. Up at the tower, Kilkax, too, had had enough of Elizar’s bullshit. They had a rather dramatic lover’s quarrel and Kilkax proceeded to cast Blindness on the man, but all it ever did was piss him off a little. In that heated argument, he had said something that set Elizar off. To the fire cultist, Kilkax sounded like one of the Black Earth and Elizar uttered a phrase and the ritual began earlier than planned.

As the other cultists circled the Wicker Giant, they repeated “ARISE AND CLEANSE THIS PLACE OF THE UNWORTHY,” Kilkax saw the flames take a form and eyes set upon him.

Sensing Tinuviel nearby, Sandro tried sneaking away, fake pee dance and all but another from the group also transformed into a werewolf. They all turned their attention to the paladin and sicced the lycanthrope on him. Elizar, being the perverted nutjob that he obviously was, offered the charming bard another chance to join the cult all the while undressing him with his eyes. Kilkax was even more creeped out seeing that Elizar was already half-mast. Tinuviel, down in the cellar, saw Ryo using a halberd to fight a guard and fired a spell that set the floor boards—and guard ablaze. This helped Ryo deal more damage and narrowly escaped the burning inferno that was the floor. He rushed out to find and save Garienna while Tinuviel went and joined Sandro.

At the centre of the tower grounds, the Fire elemental was summoned and started devouring the cultists, becoming stronger. Elizar was highly amused by this display of wild activity. He honestly thought this was all friggin’ great. The fighting had escalated, spreading all over the area. Help arrived in the form of the remaining three druids and they helped Sandro and Tinuviel take on the werewolf and two others. Elizar had joined the fire elemental at the centre, both Kilkax and Tinuviel cast shatter all around and caught most of the opponents. The party was heavily split but Tinuviel and Kilkax still tried to coordinate with each other from afar. Garienna ended up rescuing herself and partnered with Ryo whom she healed since his leg was basically falling off. Together, they helped take on the elemental.


From the burning levels of the tower, Kilkax made a kickass heroic leap off and away from the blazing structure and called over to Ryo. The fire elemental turned towards them, set more things on fire. It burned Ryo and Kilkax badly but Garienna dodged just in time. Elizar took out a flute—similar to the one Tinuviel won prior—and started playing it with a smug look on his face. Garienna did significant damage to the elemental by unleashing a blizzard. In one swift move, Kilkax tumbled out of the way and seamlessly cast Shatter, centred on Elizar, who dropped his flute and it shattered on the ground. He gave Kilkax one sick look and then Tinuviel cast Erupting Earth, altering the terrain around them. Just as Ryo force-pushed the elemental away and Sandro dealt the killing blow to the werewolf, Elizar turned to Kilkax with a look of anger and vengeance, cast a powerful spell that rapidly sapped the life-force from his body. Kilkax dropped to the floor..dead. Tinuviel had just witnessed her friend get killed in front of her, went berserk and ultimately rage-killed Elizar. The fire elemental suddenly did something unexpected—it ran off, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake and while that was still an utterly important mission, there were more grave things to be dealt with.

Our heroes managed to stem a dangerous operation and salvage lives, but the price was steep:

Kilkax was dead.

Sob Story!!
But Also Dragons.

First, Anora is no longer gumbyfied! Congratulations on your life, Anora. Welcome back to the Thunder Dome.


This week, we, TFA, were blessed with peace. Of course it didn’t start that way. Kilkax made sure of that (by being dead). Dude could have gotten laid, but instead he got laid to rest.


At least, that’s what we thought until closer inspection led Tinuviel to believe that maybe he wasn’t quite so dead. Garienna did some druid hoodoo on this here dehydrated fella and fixed him right up, she did (H2O is something magical, I’ll tell you what). Tinuviel and Ryo (DAS ME) crafted some kind of makeshift stretcher in order to get Kilkax back to Garienna’s camp. Kilkax was very much passed-the-fuck-out along the way, until he wrenched himself out of his weird slumber with a gasp that would make John Barrowman proud. A little disoriented, he fucked off into the woods, pursued by the super speedy (and also extremely sexy) Ryo, who straight up shoved his dragon ass onto the ground and told him to pull his shit together. Which he sort of did.

TFA managed to make it to Camp Garienna in one piece, and were thrilled to discover that Gariennas two mischievous sprite companions (my notes say Aphid and ??? so I guess their names are going to be a mystery sry kids) are alive and well, and assholes.

This is when things get tricky. TFA separate; Garienna (who, of course, is not one of our terrifying renegades) retires to her tent, Ryo hangs out by the fire pit, Kilkax finds a tree to brood beneath, Sandro is enraptured by some very comforting flowers, and Anora and Tinuviel opt to chill on top of and underneath some rather large mushrooms that double as stairs. Once they’re separated, shit gets weird.

Kilkax and Anora hear giggles coming from the fire pit and the flowers. As far as both of them can see, neither Ryo nor Sandro are laughing, so wtf is happening there eh, m8? Kilkax tries to communicate to Tinuviel that he’s hearing weird giggles coming from places where giggles should not be, and the response is as follows:


Kilkax decides to get closer to Ryo, and it is at this moment Ryo feels something tickle his upper lip and he (G O D F O R B I D) laughs. Kilkax is apparently incredibly offended by this, and straight up assaults Ryo, deciding that this is the moment to out everything from Ryo. The conversation goes a little like this…



Ryo explained that he is actually a Monk who once trained with the Order of the Broken Blade in a monastery in Cyre, now known as The Mournland. After The Day of Mourning, Ryo was unable to return home and so found himself lost, wandering from town to town, trying to find somewhere or someone who wouldn’t cast him out for knowing that he is a refugee. Eventually just saying that he was a ranger who had come from the woods seemed a lot easier, and that’s what he has been saying ever since. Then, in order to prove that he was telling the truth, he did some real neat tricks with Sandro’s sword and everyone thought he was awesome. It was also revealed at Tinuviels betrothed and Ryo’s childhood friend, Gentle Giant (And Proclaimed MegaBitch) Paeris, is currently MIA as on The Day of Mourning, he did not turn back as Ryo did, and was lost to the fog.


Then they all ate some food. That was probably the best part of the whole adventure. The food. OR the Critically Awesome tents. Or the really fucked up dream our adventurers, as a unit, were blessed with? There were…dragons. Dragons and…was that…foreshadowing?

Ryo was the first to wake up. He was rather rudely jolted awake by a voice…a voice that sounded awfully like the dark dragon from the collective dream.

NOW, when I said shit got fucked up before, it’s nothing compared to what happened next. Ryo decided to poke around in the brush and the trees, trying to find whatever it was that was glowing. It took him a while, but he eventually came upon what looked like a large, glowing gem, and for whatever reason Ryo felt compelled to touch it.

That shit was a mistake, as he was thrown across Garienna’s camp. Thankfully, a loud noise (or the sound of Ryo’s shattered dreams w/e) woke everyone else up, and they rushed out of their tents to see what the absolute fuck was going on. Turns out that the large ‘gem’ thingy was a Dragon Shard and it was Garienna’s job to protect the shard, and apparently Ryo had just gone done fucked all that right up. (Good thing he’s cute because he sure is useless).

Ryo was very aware of a rather odd pain on his back, and he asked Tinuviel to take a look – it wasn’t anything she recognized but she probably thought Ryo looked really cool with a tat – but there genuinely wasn’t that much time to think about it because before they could properly discuss, Anora was acting really strangely and OH YEAH a TREE FUCKING ATTACKED THEM. SO they had to FUCK THAT TREE UP. Ryo STRAIGHT UP ALMOST DIED. But eventually, because these five are heroes for a reason, because they did everything everyone thought a kid COULDN’T do! They MADE IT to Shell City, and they BEAT the Cyclops, and they RODE the Hasselhoff, and- …I mean. They. Did good.


Now, you’d think they would be done by now but nah. Remember that giggling from earlier? It wasn’t just a foil to get Kilkax to be an asshole to Ryo, oh no, it was actually Garienna and Elvira who explained that STRANGE and MYSTERIOUS THINGS would SOON BE HAPPENING! JK they were actually pretty lame and they made fun of Ryo. But they did let TFA stay at the camp. Which was nice I guess.


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